Been masturbating, since the 4th of July. Don’t believe me? I can prove it!

And because of it, I must tell all those who peruse this site the truth about the people who write this drivel! They are not who you think they are! Think they just spin the records that you love, huh? Well I’m here to tell you, IT’S ALL LIES!

EMPANADAMN: This person has never actually eaten an empanada! His name springs from a severe case of dislexia and a fixation on the inevitable damnation of all pandas. He is a 6’7″ native of Oslo, and eats soul food 8 times a week, particularly neck bones and whiskey.

CASHLESS: Tries to portray himself as a poor man? Claims his nationality to be Jamaican? Wrong, he is actually the independently wealthy son of an Irish businessman, heir to a fortune built on urinal cakes. His facial hair has been known break broad swords and he has rejected the microwave. He’s also the former world record holder for longest recorded camel clutch on a teenager. (Never call him by his real name, Paddy Higgins O’Houlihan Flanigan Fitzpatrick Hanrihan IIX).

LIL TIGER: Born and raised in Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin, he is a hater of all things circular, and his eyebrows are implants. He spent his youth throwing rocks at onlookers as he practiced his “dontchaknow” dj style in nothing but a beanie and socks during the long winter months. He prides himself on being able to pee all 50 states in alphabetical order in the snow, off one 12 oz. beverage.

ELZ: The most diabolical tiddly winks player ever produced by the great state of West Virginia. Other than that, he’s your normal half-Dutch, half-Malaysian, half-Greek, half-Madagascarian Appalachian warlord with a beard thicker than mature oak tree trunk.

So you see my friends, these are not the people who you think they are! I trust that now that I have pulled away the veil, you can fully appreciate them for who they are.

Until the next time,
Join the Resistance!!!